Blood Clot & Surgery

Tuesday Bob had chemo. Same old routine. I get up, get stuff ready, try waking him up - he doesn't want to get up. Who the hell would want to? Seriously, this would be my thinking...'Why get up? They are just going to make me feel like shit again. Maybe if I stay in bed I can just rest and sleep and maybe it's all a bad dream that will go away.'

Okay, those are my thoughts on the subject not necessarily his; but if I were in his position I would feel that way on the morning of chemo I'm sure.

So, then I have to sit and talk him into getting up - which sucks. I'm the person who promotes the pain he's about to experience. "Hurry, we will be late. You've got to get up baby. We need to get on the road. It's all going to be okay in the end - we're only 2 months from the end of chemo." Aren't I a huge jerk? Makes me feel like crap each time.

I sometimes start thinking that I should let someone else take him to chemo because then he will not associate me with the pain he goes through...but I suppose that would be a fat cop-out. So, instead I go with him - because there's a part of me that needs to experience all of this right along with him. The same way he has stuck with me through the years.

So we finally got to chemo. The doctor came in & checked him out, while discussing that as soon as chemo is done she's getting that port out of him because it's twisted and has her worried...then she looks at his neck and arm....they are both slightly swollen. This would possibly indicate a blood clot :(

She decided to go ahead with chemo for the day - but after we had to go straight to the hospital across the street for a doppler to check if there was a blood clot....Indeed - there was. I'm pretty sure I went weak in the knees when she told us that. How much can a person go through and how many things can they tell us there is only a slight risk of that end up happening to him?

He is now receiving 2 shots in the belly every evening...for at least a week to disolve the blood clot.

Friday morning we see the surgeon who will remove the port (same guy who put it in) and will schedule the surgery.

After the surgery he may or may not continue the shots but will be on cumadin.

So there it is - the latest. I am unsure how to feel; or what to think. I just suffer along side him. I wish I could trade places with him...seeing him suffer is so hard to stand by and watch.

That's it for now. I'll try to update again tomorrow after seeing the surgeon.

LEXAPRO

I saw my doctor the other day. I was so happy to be in to visit with him (he had been my doctor in the past but then our insurance didn't have him in their plan so I had to switch and just found out he was back in our plan recently).
He took a lot of time talking to me about what's happening; Bob, the cancer, the treatments, my jobs, my schedule, my weight (boo), Brendon's heart condition, etc.

His conclusion...I'm not crazy, however, I am suffering from a bit of depression and anxiety. So, he gave me Lexapro. I have to say that I don't know if it's working or not, but I have been sleeping better this past week and I am a little calmer. If that's from the Lexapro, or from having confirmation that at this point and time I am allowed to have a bit of depression and anxiety and it's perfectly natural to feel like I am feeling and therefore I don't feel as anxious about how I'm feeling, I can't say. However, I am thankful to be feeling a little better.

Saturday I had the retreat for the class that I teach at church, while my husband and his sister got to go to Skokie and meet Ozzy and have their books signed. I'm a little sad that I wasn't able to go. However, I am thrilled that he got to meet Ozzy, who, as he said, no matter where he was in life, or what was going on, there has always been an Ozzy song that described his feelings.

That's about it...chemo tomorrow.

Am I talking to myself?

Bob is no longer receiving the bleomicine (one of the drugs used in his chemotherapy). The reason for this is because he is not responding well to it. They have pinpointed all that severe chest pain to the bleomicine. They also did a pulmonary function test and found that his lung function has dropped about 12 points.

Now, this means that his chemotherapy won't be as effective in getting his cancer...how much of an effect we don't know - because the oncologist has twice dodged the question...What the heck.

He also has been in severe pain because during his last chemo treatment the nurse pulled back on the syringe to do a blood return and he felt a pop, came up out of his chair and several days later we found that the tubing on his port had pulled back and looped. So, this causes a problem with them getting the blood return when accessing his port. So, we will find out by Tuesday whether they are going to go in and fix it or not. He's not looking forward to that.

The other night, while he was having a lot of pain he was lying in the bed and opened his eyes and said to me "I'm going to die from this aren't I?"

I've thought a lot about that comment since he said it. Is he going to die? I don't know - I do know that he has been my heart and soul for the past 20 years; so if he does die a large part of me will die along with him. If he doesn't die I don't think any of us will come out of this unscathed.

To be so afraid to lose someone is to live in constant fear - which isn't good for the sanity of one's mind.

Some days something is bothering me; it's stuck in my head and I can't shake it. So then I am angry etc. I just don't feel like me anymore. Some days I just want to lie in bed and pull the covers over my head and not face the world. Other days I'm simply angry with the world...and everything just makes me angrier. Anyway - I'm seeing the doctor next week to see about what I need to do to feel better. Last time I was there he told me to exercise more...perhaps in my spare time between the 3 jobs! Sheesh!

That's it - I'm off to crochet a hat for a friend.

Shaved Head

Bobs hair has been falling out for the past few months. He had extremely thick hair to start out with, and before it got cold he had me cut it...it was just very short, but not shaved. Tonight, he had me shave it completely.

I couldn't help but to cry when I saw what little was left falling to the floor. He just sat there, I'm not sure if he was more upset than I was or not...but he certainly didn't show it.

He's such a trooper; he just takes what happens and handles it.