Am I talking to myself?

Bob is no longer receiving the bleomicine (one of the drugs used in his chemotherapy). The reason for this is because he is not responding well to it. They have pinpointed all that severe chest pain to the bleomicine. They also did a pulmonary function test and found that his lung function has dropped about 12 points.

Now, this means that his chemotherapy won't be as effective in getting his cancer...how much of an effect we don't know - because the oncologist has twice dodged the question...What the heck.

He also has been in severe pain because during his last chemo treatment the nurse pulled back on the syringe to do a blood return and he felt a pop, came up out of his chair and several days later we found that the tubing on his port had pulled back and looped. So, this causes a problem with them getting the blood return when accessing his port. So, we will find out by Tuesday whether they are going to go in and fix it or not. He's not looking forward to that.

The other night, while he was having a lot of pain he was lying in the bed and opened his eyes and said to me "I'm going to die from this aren't I?"

I've thought a lot about that comment since he said it. Is he going to die? I don't know - I do know that he has been my heart and soul for the past 20 years; so if he does die a large part of me will die along with him. If he doesn't die I don't think any of us will come out of this unscathed.

To be so afraid to lose someone is to live in constant fear - which isn't good for the sanity of one's mind.

Some days something is bothering me; it's stuck in my head and I can't shake it. So then I am angry etc. I just don't feel like me anymore. Some days I just want to lie in bed and pull the covers over my head and not face the world. Other days I'm simply angry with the world...and everything just makes me angrier. Anyway - I'm seeing the doctor next week to see about what I need to do to feel better. Last time I was there he told me to exercise more...perhaps in my spare time between the 3 jobs! Sheesh!

That's it - I'm off to crochet a hat for a friend.